"It comes o'er my memory, as doth the raven o'er the infected house."
It is like meeting yourself all over again and not liking who you are. I turned back a couple of pages in my diary. The last time I wrote here, I was preparing to walk the pattern without Oberon's permission. "OBERON I HATE YOU" and "THANKS FOR NOTHING MOM" stared back at me. That was before I spent my time in Shadow.
That was a long time ago.
Well, lets see, how does one catch up? I survived the pattern and fled this place's opression, going to Macedon 5, a sucessful colony world in the Thracian star cluster. I worked there diligently as a gardener for forty years. I suppose I could say I gained some spiritual sanity there.
I then discovered how to walk through shadow and I began to visit many many worlds, all the while gaining perspective on Amber and my elders. After awhile, I guess I got homesick. But, I wanted to prove my worth to them and make up for the several trangressions I had committed. No longer because they made me do it, but now, perhaps, because I was immature. I had to find my unique talent, so I started to walk through shadow with a purpose in mind.
I came to stop in Shadow Earth, among a travelling group of musicians. Eventually, I worked in the courts and opera houses of Europe, before begining my masterpiece. I became Karl. And, I met Katarina.
The pattern has restored many of my memories about Amber and the Shadow worlds I've visited, but where Katarina is concerned, things are missing. I know that I succeeded with my symphony and I know that I was truly ready to return here, but I don't know if I did or not. I should probably continue as if I do know what happened, among the likes of my mother. I do owe her thanks though. But I have questions too: Like why did she trash my apartment to leave a simple trump? What was she looking for?
When I consider who I was, and who I now am, maybe my time gardening gave me a kind of inner peace. Was the process of caring for and raising those plants a thing that allowed me to forgive the abysmal job of raising me? Shadow gave me a different look at my kin and who I am. The joy that music gives me, mellowed me even more. It also became the avenue to acceptance here in Amber. I was going to come back, I was ready to come back. Did I? Then Hockey.
Hockey, Ander? Yeah, I know what you mean, but it was fun. It provided a huge physical release ... from something? What? Vengance. It is sitting there in the middle of my soul. It is large and hard and patient. It doesn't move. I don't know to whom it is directed, but it seems to know. Of that I'm certain.
I better have that thing removed.
Ah, memories...
Growing up here in Amber sucked. When I was ready to come back, something
associated with that witch, Katherine happened. I dare say it, but I am
still wounded by whatever that was. Everything about being here in Amber
has turned out badly. No doubt, Mother dear didn't bring me here out of
an altrusitic desire to see my memory restored. But clearly something bad
is on the horizon.
I'm at ease with myself, though. Save for Katherine, those who've wronged
me and even those I percieve to have wronged me are forgiven. Today is a
new day. It is ander, from the German for 'another'. Things to do:
Carlyle (crossed out)
Ander
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