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Why'd I even use an apple?
What's stupid is that this question has been debated forever: was it an actual apple? Or was it a fig? Figs were growing in that area...
As if I could not make any damn fruit I wanted.
So, again, why an apple? Why not a pomegranite or a banana or just a river for that matter? And why did I make them eat something? Why not a book?
Apples are pretty easy to make, actually. When they're ripe, they're pretty damn sensual. I was thinking I'd use a peach, which is an even more sensual fruit, but somehow, "The Peach of Knowledge" just didn't have the right ring to it.
So. An apple.
Frankly, I was expecting Adam to eat it first. Kind of surprised Me when Eve took it.
I'm so proud of her.
Oh, what'd you think? That I was angry? Yeah, I know, I had to do the bluster bit and curse them, pain of childbirth, sweat of your brow, the whole thing. But inside, I was just beaming with pride. My little monkeys--first thing I said not to do, boom! That's what they went and did.
I've been proud of you guys for a long time now. Oh, quite a few things you've done I haven't been so happy with: the Inquisition, for example, the Crusades, ethnic clensing, stuff like that. But on the whole, this "Can-do!" attitude is just what I've been happiest with. I know it comes with some drawbacks: you guys fight like collie pups and are still hoplessly mixed up when it comes to sex. But on the whole, I've been proud. Haven't stopped the demons from visiting you, tempting you, and so on. Lots of you fail those tests, but for good reasons. A demon offers you power or something, and the only thing you need to do is abandon Me to get it? Heck, even I'd take that deal. Good for you guys. Sure, you're going to Hell for it, but still, thumbs-up on the deal. Always striving.
But then you went and did something I cannot forgive.
I saw it coming, obviously, though usually I prefer to let Myself be surprised by what you guys do. Still, this was such a big thing, I had to do something. I've gotten out of the miracle game, usually, but this time, I needed to send a message. A warning shot against the bow, so to speak.
Sent down a good guy. Arethptel, Ninth Seraph of the Inner Circle of Guidance. Created him...let's see...same time I created quarks, I think. So he's not been with Me as long as some of the others, but a solid worker.
What you did to him still makes Me shake My head. He was sent to warn you that you were approaching the end unless you found a way to atone for your horrible sin. Honestly, I don't know what you could have said to Me to make up for it, but I wanted to play fair, give all of you a chance to redeem yourselves. I only know everything when I choose to.
So I guess it's all over now. I've had my flensing knife out for a while, ready to cut you out of My universe, and now I suppose I'll have to use it. You won't detect My hand in it, of course. I like to work in mysterious ways, as one of you guys said.
So goodbye, humans. You were fun, you had potential, but you just couldn't get a handle on your evil natures despite over four thousand years' trying. The result of the race is not what I would have wanted. I would have wanted you guys to reach for the stars, not vice versa.
But then again, people in Hell want ice water.