< Stateswoman Missing | Hang Time | Not Fade Away >

---

"No human thing is of serious importance."
-- Plato

---

Jason Marks, the young man the papers called The Incomparable Hang Time, looked over his apartment's living room and blew air through his teeth. Aside from the casually discarded food wrappers and the piles of clothing still waiting to be folded or hung up, anyone looking at the room would have known that the occupant was a bachelor and never had guests, simply because of the furniture layout.

One armchair planted directly in the center of the room. One couch pushed off to the side, facing the wall.

"Yeah. 'Come on over and watch movies.' God I'm a moron." He shook his head and started moving furniture and cleaning.

---

Excepts of a conversation, overheard while watching the Lord of the Rings

[Knock on the door.]
"Just come in!"
"You don't greet people at the door?"
"I did. I shouted, 'Just come in.'"

"So this is the place."
"This is the place. It's crap, I know, but it works for me."
"You've got a lot of books."
"Yeah? I guess. The used book store down the street does this really great thing where you can trade stuff back in and get really good credit on other books."
"Have you ever *done* that?"
"Well... no, but it's still a good deal."

"Lots of pictures."
"Yep."
"No frames."
"Eh. I just pin em up -- not like I'm going to get the damage deposit back."

"You've got a picture of States?"
"Stateswoman, yeah. She inducted me and New Age Samurai the same night."
"Is that Bill?"
"Yep. That's before I joined up -- he doesn't remember meeting me."

"Is that me?"
"Yeah... hey!"
"No pictures of me."

"What's this?"
"Letter from my mom, after I told them what happened and what I was doing now. That one I should get a frame for."
"Why does it have those little burn marks?"
"Wow. Long story."

"Nice couch."
"Liar."
"Pretty much."

"Okay, we've got brownies, popcorn, cheetos, cheese and crackers, hard cider, wine, wasabi pretsel nubs, oreos, crackerjacks, and apples. And there's a good chinese place around the corner, and I've got taquitos I can heat up. And there's some ice cream."
"..."
"What?"
"Nothing."

"Okay, before we get started, understand that it's okay to creep out the first time you see the Nazgul, and it's okay to jump the second time you see them."
"Please. I deal with Dark Astoria, I'm not going to jump at a movie monster."
"Sure."
"I'm not."
"Okay."

"Anyway, I've read the books like four times -- I'm not going to see the movie and go 'whoa' in the first two minutes."
"Sure. Maybe. Hit play."

---

Prologue: One Ring to Rule them All

"Whoa."
"Toldja."

The Shire

"Where did they shoot this?"
"Shh. New Zealand. Shh."

A Long-expected Party

"Bilbo is awesome."
"Best. Put-down. Ever."
"Totally."

Keep it Secret, Keep it Safe

"This just in: evil Bilbo is creepy, and the ring is scary."
"Shh. Watching"

"Why are you squirming around?"
"It is... frigging... imPOSSible to sit up straight on this couch."
"Yeah. It's awesome. Hand me the oreos."

A Shortcut to Mushrooms

"Eaaaerrghwww."
"I *told* you they were creepy."

Buckleberry Ferry

"AHH!"
"See?!? They're friggin' spooky."

At the Sign of the Prancing Pony

"So glad they didn't have him sing the nursery rhyme song."

The Nazgul

"M'lord, we've come to the inn, and we've killed about fifteen pillows."
"Heh."

"Good Aragorn."
"Yep."

Flight to the Ford

"So Arwen is Glorfindel?"
"Yeah. Or something."

The Sword that was Broken

"Boromir: Hey, you're Aragorn, will you sidekick me?"
"Heh."

The Evenstar

"Cool dress."
"You're such a girl."

• smack*
  

"Ow."

The Council of Elrond

"Ha! 'We don't know what's going on, but we want in!' Who does that remind you of?"
"Totally."

Bilbo's Gifts

"Please, Frodo, take this sword of mine. It's not at all phallic."
"Heh. You won't be seen as over-compensating. At all. I promise."

"Ahh! Evil Bilbo again."
"Eviller Bilbo. Evil-plus-bad Bilbo."

Moria

"Stop doing that."
"What?"
"Looking at me. You're watching me watch the movie. It's creepy."
"I like watching people see certain parts of movies."
"You look over just before something big happens, so I always know something's coming. Knock it off."

"So Ulric's Boromir... just cuz of the hair and the beard."
"I have a problem with that. I've got the hots for Boromir, so Ulric's gonna have to be someone else."

• sigh* "Okay, if I have to, I'll be Boromir."
  

"Riiiiight. Boromir can wait."
"Whatever. Who's Aragorn?"
"Parcae."
"Cool. Who're Merry and Pippin?"
"Darkthorne and... Johnny?"
"And Keen Edge is Legolas."
"Yeah?"
"Sure. You know Legolas is checking everyone out every day going 'Yep, still the prettiest.'"
"Sun Raid can be Gimli."
"Who's Frodo?"
"Stateswoman."
"..."
"Sorry."

"Sam is awesome."
"Erin gets to be Sam."
"Totally."

Balin's Tomb

"'They have a Cave Troll.' Heh."
"That's how I feel when I fly into a Freak Tank."

The Bridge of Khazad-Dum

"Shit!"
"I know."
"SHIT!"
"I *know*."

The Departure of Boromir

"Ulric's totally Boromir in this scene."
"Ok, I have to agree with that, but I still have a problem with how hot I am for Boromir. I just can't conjure up the mental image of Ulric right now."

• sigh* "Okay, if I have to --"
  

"Shut up."
"You need some time alone?"
"Ass."

((Near the very end when Aragorn announces they're going after Merry and Pippin))

Scorp jumps halfway out of her seat, raising her fist. "Oh YES! I love that dwarf!" *laughing*

End Credits

"I hate you."
"Why?"
"I'm hooked. Get the next one."

---

"You want some ice-cream?"
"Sure. Bowls?"
"*I'm* not gonna wash em."
"Spoons?"
"Plastic ones right there on the table. Grab us two each; they tend to break."
"Fine. Hit play."

---

Second Movie

The Foundations of Stone

"Gandalf's a bad ass. Who's Gandalf?"
"Baron Rufus? Dunno."
"Strategist wouldn't work -- Gandalf actually explains things."

The Taming of Smeagol

"Hmm...they're going in circles? Scorpia must be navigating."

• smack*

"And Gollu --"
"Reese."
"Yeah?"
"No one trusts him."
"...and secretly everyone likes him."
"WHA Tever?. I feel pity for him, Sam."
"Nice."

The Uruk-hai

"Orc equals Freakshow."
"Whatever. Hand me the wasabi pretzels. I want to try them again."

The Three Hunters

"Meh. 'I'm the elf, I'm never tired, I can see forever and my hair is perfect.'"
"Secretly, everyone else in the Fellowship wants to kill Legolas."
"Ever since the thing where he was walking on top the snow."
~snickers~

"Damn, I take it back. I'm in love with Aragorn. Who'd we say should play him?"
"Parcae."
"Ok, I can deal with that. It doesn't conjure any scary images anyway."

The Banishment of Eomer

"Okay, *that's* Ulric."
"I have a --"
"I don't want to hear it. That's Ulric. You can't rule out every hot blond in the show."
"Who's Boromir, then?"
"Meh. He's dead, doesn't matter now."

The Riders of Rohan

"He's got a point. It sounds like a bad joke - an elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into a bar..."
"Heh"
"Yeah... that's Ulric."

Treebeard

"Devouring Earth! Run!"

The Passage of the Marshes

"So Reese saves Stateswoman from the dead? I don't see it."
"Ulterior. Motives."

The White Rider

"Ya'll would be in very deep shit if that had been who you thought it was, huh?"

The King of the Golden Hall

• laughing* "You think they're carrying enough weapons?"
  

"Gives new meaning to 'Be Prepared'."
"Who's Theoden?"
"Baron Ru -- hmm."
"Yeah."
"Steel Cage death match for anyone who wants Gandalf... loser gets Theoden."
"I'd pay to see that."

A Daughter of Kings

"Dibs on Eowyn."
"Yeah?"
"*Oh* yeah."

Gollum and Smeagol

"See where talking to yourself will lead?"

Isengard Unleashed

"Damn."

Arwen's Fate

"Who's Elrond?"
"Dude. Patriot One. Stationary advice dispenser."
"Ow."
"Sorry. It's hard being on the casting couch."

The Forbidden Pool

"I always liked Faramir."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, he was all woodsy and he did the right thing, and he knew when Eowyn wasn't dead after the Witch-King fight. He was all like 'isn't there a leech among you?'"
"True. That's cool."
"Then he's all like 'Oh, I'm wounded -- you guys go fight Sauron and I'll stay here in the Houses of Healing and repopulate the planet with the hottie from Rohan."
"Heh."
"I'm just sayin'. Smart guy."

Aragorn's Return

"Heh. 'You're late.'"
"We must never tell Keen he's Legolas. He'll never shut up."

Old Entish

"And this is Johnny and Darkthorne going "Jesus, hurry up and PICK A MISSION."
~nearly falls over with the giggling~ "Damn, I saw that way too vividly in my head."
"Scary place?"
"With them in it, yeah"

The Breach of the Deeping Wall

"Legolas! Shoot the embalmed vazhilok before he --"
"Yeah. Oops."

"THAT was so cool! I wanna do that! Get me a shield!!!"

Retreat to the Hornburg

"Oh my gawd! How cool is Gimli! I swear!"

Master Peregrin's Plan

"Insane Hobbit Logic at work there - the closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. Wait...that was part of my reasoning for floating over tanker's heads. Damn!"
"Pippin had a good idea!"
"Merry's still trying to figure out what happened."

Osgiliath

"Whoa. This wasn't in the book."
"Not really."
"And Faramir's a dick right now. Boromir lite. Chinless Boro -- SHIT, Nazgul!"

"See?"
"Okay, he's not a total dick."
"There. Cool. Dibs on Faramir."
"Yeah? Cool."

The Last March of the Ents

"Oh, you done did it now, bub. Never piss of an Ent."

Forth Eorlingas

"Holy... YES!!"

The Flooding of Isengard

"And I thought Devouring Earth were hard to kill..."

The Tales that Really Mattered...

• Awed* "Wow." *goose bumps* "Wow."
  

"Sam is cool."

Gollum's Plan

"Wow. Golem's creepy...I mean like...nasty creepy..."
"Annnnnnd Gollumistotally Reese?."
"Don't make me hurt you."

End Credits

"Get the next one. Hurry."

---

Third Movie

The Finding of the Ring

"And now, the BBC would like to present... back story."
"For those of you who didn't read the books..."
"Or seen the first two movies."
"Or live in a cave."

Journey to the Cross-roads

"Ok. Kin is definitely Sam. 'Here's the shirt off my back. No big.'"
"Yeah."

The Road to Isengard

"Welcome to Lake Isengard."
"Speak to Quickbranch about paddleboat rides, and don't forget to stop at our gift shop for the best in turkey legs and 'completely innocent' southfarthing."

"Okay, now I'm hungry."
"I'll make the taquitos."

"I'm with the dwarf on this. Bring me his head!"

Gollum's Villainy

"Making him Reese is... Reese is not that bad."
"But it fits."
"It fits... but he's not that bad."

The Palantir

"Creepy sleeping-with-eyes-open Gandalf."

"What is he doing, Merry? He's doing what Pippin always does. Duh."

"This is where I say, 'Jesus, Merry, get up and HELP!' every single time."

Arwen's Vision

"So who's Arwen?"
"..."
"Hey!"
"Huh? Oh, shit. Sorry. Dammit. I always fall asleep in Arwen scenes."
"Ok... you're weird."
"What? She's boring."

Minas Tirith

"Wow. It's...wow. I looks like right out of my head."

"What bugs me is there's this huge city and there aren't any fields around for all the food they'd need."
"..."
"What?"
"Again... so very weird."

The Decline of Gondor

"We had kings. Now we have ..."
"Losers, who have to sit at the kiddie-throne."

• snickers* "Yeah, just don't talk. You're in enough trouble."
  

"Annnnd Pippin opens his mouth, thus maintaining a nigh-perfect fuck-up record."
"We should make a drinking game."

Pippin's Task

"Pippin, you fucked up, so you're going to the front lines."
"Your job is to sit in front and Gandalf and soak up any arrows aimed at his chest."

The Lighting of the Beacons

"You're looking at me again. What's about to happen?"
"Sorry. I'll --"
"Aaaalllright!"
"Yeah."

Theoden's Decision

"Theoden is Strategist."
"Old Guy?"
"Army General. No powers. And tells Eowyn to do things she doesn't want to do."
"Whatever."
"And you're Eowyn."
"Oh, shut up."
"Are you *sure* you want to be Eowyn? You could be Arwen and sit in Rivendell and be boring."
"You know... your eyes glow, I can find you in the dark."

The Stairs of Cirith Ungol

"The slippery stone ladder-stairs of Cirith Ungol, which is ancient Numorean for 'I'm *not* fucking climbing that.'"
"I just can't believe how real this all looks."

Allegiance of Denethor

"Are *you* sure you want to be Faramir?"
"He doesn't get along with his dad very well. I have empathy."
"I get that."

The Parting of Sam and Frodo

"Dear Sam, I am a moron. Love, Frodo."

The Sacrifice of Faramir

"Pippin's got some pipes."
"He never gets in trouble when he sings. He should sing more."

"Are you *sure* you want to be Faramir?"

Anduril - Flame of the West

"I really thought that was a girl, before he pulled the hood back."
"Well, it's Elrond... it kinda is a girl."

Aragorn Takes the Paths of the Dead

"You guys go on ahead, we're going to take this shortcut through HORRIBLY DYING."

"No More Despair"

"Heeyyy. Theoden puts Eowyn in charge."
"Shut up."
"Maybe when Strategist --"
"Shut. Up."

The Paths of the Dead

"Wow, Oranbega goes all the way Middle Earth."

"And of course the ghost goes incorporeal when he shoots it."
"I hate that."

Shelob's Lair

"I hate cave missions."
"Totally."

"We never figured out who Galadriel was."
"Umm... Shock?"
"That works. 'We just got our butts kicked by the Balrog -- let's invite Galadriel along with us -- she heals.'"
"'Can she rez Gandalf?'"
"'No, he's in another zone.'"
"Heh."

The Tomb of Stewards

"Oh yeah, this is going to end well."

Denethor's Madness

"Welcome to Crazytown. Population: you."
"Not his finest hour. Wait... did Denethor ever actually have a fine hour?"

The Ride of the Rohirrim

"Yes!"

The Pyre of Denethor

"Are you SURE you want to be Faramir?"
"It's a bonding father/son moment for them..."
"He's setting them on FIRE."
"True, I do really hate that, but I'm sticking it out. There's a payoff at the end."

The Battle of the Pelennor Fields

"HA! 'Only counts as one!' Hee."
"But that was really fucking cool. Not as good as the shield thing though."

Shieldmaiden of Rohan

"YES!"
"There's your payoff. Go you."
"That's awesome."

The Passing of Theoden

"And now Eowyn comforts dying Theoden..."
"Shut up."
"Who was always like a father to her..."

• whack*

Pippin Looks After Merry

"This is not at all fraught with sub-text."

The Last Debate

"Gimli's on the Throne! That rocks!"

Aragorn Masters the Palantir

"Aragorn to Sauron: Yo, back off mang, or I *cut* you."

The Captain and the White Lady

"Awww..."
"And there's the Faramir pay-off; 'You guys have fun storming the castle, I'll just chill here with the hottie that killed the Witch King.'"

The Mouth of Sauron

"Mouth of Sauron needs the Toothbrush of Sauron. Damn."

"YES!"
"Heh."
"'Thus concludes negotiations...' YES! Gimli is awesome."

The Black Gate Opens

"Aragorn has just realized that he is Sec Level 5 and wandered into Steel Canyon by accident."
"And everyone noticed him."

"I Can't Carry it for You... but I Can Carry You."

"..."
"... you okay?"
"yeah."

The Crack of Doom

"OH! Finger! Oh! Ugh!"
"Shhhh!!!"

The End of All Things

"Okay, seriously, are you crying?"
"Shut up."

The Fellowship Reunited

"Are you crying?"
"Shut up."

Homeward Bound

"And Sam scores the hottie."
"Sam is the best."
"Frodo's sitting there going 'damn, I was sure he was gay.'"
"He might be the only straight one in the whole group."

The Grey Havens

"Okay, crying a little."
"Whatever. *sniff*"

End Credits

"Best day."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Cool."

---

Dear Mom and Dad,

First, everything is fine here. I know you've seen some pretty scary stuff in the news, but me and all my friends are okay, except for Stateswoman, and it seems like we're close to finding her, so that's good too.

I've been sent out on patrols in the worse parts of towns now -- don't ask me why, but folks seem to think I'm pretty good at this job -- getting there, anyway.

Mom, I cleaned up my apartment and took a picture of it -- I'll send it with the next email (and please tell me you're checking your email that I set up!) -- I had to get the place cleaned up because I had a friend over and we watched all three of the movies they made out those Tolkein books you got me when I was ten.

It was nice to have someone over -- kinda like the way I'd burn through a Saturday with JD.

Funny thing: the Phalanx membership changes a lot and there's some other groups started up recently by people that used to be in the Phalanx and want to do some good with their own group. Anyway, I ran into one of those people that I used to talk with alot just last night. I'm not sure if they know it, but they were the first person who took me along on a "team" mission when I joined the Phalanx, so that was pretty nice to see them.

She gives me a hard time about mistakes I make, because she's been doing this awhile and she's a lot better at it than me, but even that's kind of comfortable.

Only problem is I sound like an idiot most of the time when we're talking about stuff. Don't know why that is.

Anyway, things are good, and thanks for the brownies -- we ate them while we were watching those movies. They were good.

You guys be safe out there.

Love,

Jason

< Stateswoman Missing | Hang Time | Not Fade Away >