“Hey.”

“How’s it going?”

“Fine. And you?”

“Pretty good.”

“Say, pardon me for asking, but you are a little green gremlin thing, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I am. Although most people don’t notice.”

“Don’t notice you, or don’t notice that you’re green?”

“Take your pick.”

“Ah. So what are you?”

“Jealousy. Envy. Call me what you will.”

“So that ‘little green monster’ reference is a literal one, huh?”

“Not necessarily. You see me as a small green gremlin sitting here beside you at this bar. Others see me as any number of other things; if they see me at all. Truth is, most people just don’t seem to realize I’m here.”

“So you’re invisible?”

“No. But people can look at an awful lot of things without actually seeing them, you know?”

“I guess that’s true. But you are really here, right?”

“You worried that the absinthe you’re drinking might be giving you hallucinations?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, do your research, pal. The notion that absinthe causes hallucinations is a myth. At least when it comes to today’s stuff, anyway. They say the hallucinations may have been caused by the unsafe chemicals used to turn the stuff green in the old days.”

“Well, when there’s a disagreement between my experience and what science says, I usually go with what I experience. It’s worked well for me so far.”

“Suit yourself. So, what are you doing here?”

“Having a drink.”

“No, I mean here; at the Lan Sin Hotel.”

“Same as most, I suspect. Hiding. Seeking. Hoping.”

“That about covers it, doesn’t it?”

“What about you?”

“Working.”

“Really? What kind of work?”

“I guess you could say I am something like a muse. I inspire people to act based on their desires to have what someone else has.”

“That doesn’t sound very positive.”

“It’s not. But it can be very effective.”

“Give me an example.”

”Okay. But only if you give me a drink first.”

“Bartender! Two more of these, please.”

”Awfully kind of you.”

“So, how do you do… whatever it is you do?”

”Tell you what; pick someone out here in the bar, and I will tell you.”

“Um… How about those three ladies over there? The ones that look like they’re on the same bowling team?”

”Try again.”

“What do you mean, try again? You said pick anyone.”

”Anyone but them. Try again.”

“Okay… how about that one? The young woman at the table talking to herself.”

”Oh, that’s an easy one. She is jealous of those whose husbands and daughters are still alive. That envy drives her to believe that her family is still with her.”

“Really?”

”Yes. Her envy forces her to believe that she doesn’t still have a family because she isn’t really worthy of one. So she imagines her family haunts her, and they get in the way of her ever finding another meaningful relationship that could lead to marriage and children.”

“Okay. How about that guy; the one over there?”

”His jealousy of his own fantasy life caused him to brutally murder a young prostitute.”

“When?”

“About fifteen minutes ago.”

“You’re kidding.”

”Why would I?”

“What do you mean, ‘jealousy of his own fantasy life?’”

“In his mind, he created the perfect woman. Then, fearing that someone would steal her away, he murdered her.”

“So, he imagined killing a woman?”

”That’s the catch; he hired a prostitute, then imagined that she was his fantasy woman. So, the woman he murdered is most assuredly real.”

“So, why is he just sitting over there, staring at his glass?”

”He doesn’t remember killing her. He just woke up, and she was dead.”

“Did you do that?”

”What? The memory loss? Nope; he did that all on his own. Like I said, I just provide the proper motivation.”

“Why?”

”You don’t get to ask me that. Try another one.”

“Okay, what about her?”

”Ah, she’s one of the lucky ones. She is jealous of the youth she once possessed. But her jealousy is overpowered by her love for beauty. Her tale ends happily.”

“I see. Why are you telling me all this? I mean, isn’t all of this supposed to be secret?”

”Not really. Who’d believe you anyway? You gonna tell them you had a conversation with a little imp?”

“No, but I will know.”

”You sure about that?”

“What do you mean?”

”How can you be sure that you are really talking to me?”

“Didn’t you tell me you were real?”

”Not directly. I said that some people could see me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m real.”

“How could you not be real if more than one person can see you?”

”Who is to say that they aren’t simply personifying psychogenic constructs that have no true sentience or physical manifestation?”

“I’d say that you’ve just proven you exist outside my imagination, because I don’t know what half of those words mean.”

”Sure you do. How can you be sure that you aren’t just imagining me? Maybe you are just creating stories about these people that aren’t true based on their appearances.”

“But what if they are true?”

”Then maybe you have the gift of premonition, or maybe it’s a series of amazing coincidences. Eitehr way, it doesn’t prove anything about my existence.”

“So then why are you talking to me in the first place?”

”Because it’s my job.”

“What do you mean?”

”This is what I do. I’m the Little Green Monster. I motivate people to act upon their feelings of jealousy and envy.”

“Yeah, I know that, but what does it have to do with talking to me?”

”You’re my latest job, my man. You said it yourself; you are here hiding, seeking, and hoping. You’re hiding from your terrible fear of being average and commonplace. You’re seeking some sign that you have a gift or a special purpose in this world. You are hoping you can find it here at Lan Sin.”

“And it would seem you are my proof of that special gift.”

”It would seem that way, wouldn’t it? But do you really think anyone is going to believe you?”

“Like I said; I will know, and that is all that matters.”

”Yeah, I know that’s what you said, but I also know that you don’t really believe that. You aren’t sure whether I am really here or not; you acknowledge the possibility that I am just a figment of your imagination. And this little seed of self-doubt is growing even as we speak. Eventually it will drive you completely mad.”

“I don’t believe you.”

”Don’t you mean you don’t believe yourself?”

The Bartender’s Guide to Serving Mythical Creatures