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"You talking monkeys and your guns."

Now, my opinion means as much as wedding vows in the Year of the Burning Dogs?, but this is my rant and if you don't like the fact that I'm about to stand forth about the finest weapon to be found anywhere (in my less than humble opinion) go surf the Jovian Moons.

That said, here is my screed: no one ever has (or probably, ever will) produce a better weapon than the Vortex Blaster.

Period. Full stop.

First things first: not everything Vortex put out was the godsend that their Blaster was. Their tactical rifles left a bit to be desired (such as accuracy, reliability, and affordability in a not-so-classic jab-jab-hook combination). I never trusted Kalbans? from any manufacturer, since the performance characteristics of the rounds themselves are too bloody unstable to bother building a cartridge around. Essentially, I’m not talking about the company at all (even though Vortex is/was the Earth’s oldest extant weapons manufacturer and had more of their collective business together than nearly anyone else out there. The mud-thumps at Manning Corporation? could've learned approximately Infinity+1 things from one day at a Vortex plant).

But no, I’m talking about the Blaster; the finest handgun ever made for the following three reasons:

First: Reliability: You can have all the pretty gold trim, plating frills, destroy-your-soul-if-you-can-hit-the-damn-thing stopping power and sleek "performance enhancing" accoutrements like Zograscope optics or Aetheric compensators, but if the weapon won't touch off and create a gaping hole right where you tell it to every time you squeeze the trigger, it’s not a tool, old son; it's a prop.

I've heard the Manning praised as the starting and stopping point of tesseract firearms technology?. This argument leaves me confused as to whether I should chuckle or fire directly in the face of the fool who make it. The Manning is about as dependable as a Department of Cancellations policy statement. My blaster, on the other hand, has never coughed, blanched or hiccuped with whatever I've tried to do with it. I simply can't say a thing against them; you can drop a Vortex Blaster in a riverbed, drag it through the mud, pick it up, shake it off reasonably well and shoot a man deader than Ben Faulk.

And no, that's not a confession.

Second: Ergonomics: The Vortex Blaster simply feels and looks good. I don’t know if it’s the black bakelite, the platinum inlays or the way the grip feels like your beloved is holding your hand, but honestly it’s probably the simple fact that no matter how right it feels when you’re holding it, it feels nearly perfect when you fire it.

Now, it's common knowledge that Ada Willamette regularly out-shoots me and my blaster with any kind of ‘modern’ slug-thrower. However, let it also be known that Ada out-shoots me with my own pistol as well. She's simply a better shot than I am. I think I could use any weapon I want and give Ada a atl-atl with the handle on backwards and she'd beat me. The point, however, is that nearly anyone could pick up a Vortex Blaster and growl out shots that would bowdlerize anything from Wooden Mechas? to fully-armored Zulus?. Here's the thing: if you shoot me with a typical modern handgun (in the foot, most likely, due to the regretable action of physics on the slug) and I shoot you nearly anywhere with a blaster, I'll limp; you'll die. The experts call it shot placement, children.

Third: Universality: Well, that was one of the benefits.

The Vortex Blaster, in various incarnations and models, was the Chancels Legion’s designated sidearm from the mid-1980*s clear through to the Rollback, which made parts practically ubiquitous in any weapons shop on any world or station. One could go just about anywhere in aetheric space (assuming one were the sort who traveled interstellarly with a military-grade sidearm) and find parts for one’s blaster if need be. You couldn’t say that about Mannings, and Creator forfend we ever say the same about Kalbans.

Then again, going back to reliability, it should be noted that after firing my own weapon ahh... let’s be discreet and say "many many" times, it's only ever needed one repair.

The trigger return spring broke.

See also:

• Ben Faulk
• Manning Corporation?
• Wooden Mechas? of the Anti-Buddhists
• Year of the Burning Dogs?
• Zograscope
• Zulus?

< Victoria Regina | Lexicon 500 TUV

This is a V entry in the Lexicon of the Lost 500 Years.