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Tumwallering? Well of course I can tell you about that! I am the Tumwallering champion three years running, donítcha know. Tumwallering is the quickest growing sport in the Five Nations1.

To start off with you need to go conquer yourself a country, or nation, or at least a small village. Once you have that, the idea of the sport is to make up names for things that adequately describe those things2. Whoever is most successful at this, based on unbiased judging by the competition sponsor3, wins.

I know what youíre going to ask. Why do you need to conquer a country to do this? Why canít you just go out to the local countryside and start naming things? Well the answer is obvious! You canít go naming things that already have accepted names! You need new places and things to name. And donít you be worrying about what the locals call things. They always come around in the end. Where do you think the names of the Opeidovinoscope, Gerift Plant, and Phallunx came from? You got it! Tumwallering!

Everyone is still trying to find the Xtant Mountains5. Oh the fun weíll have Tumwallering on a land that size!

1One manís opinion, and really, what does he know?

2It is said that many common words, like ďsergeantĒ, originally came from past winners of this sport.

3Grand Duke Henrik the Studly is one of the most popular sponsors of all time, although he often participated in the competition as well and was unanimously4 voted the Tumwallering champion for life.

4Which is easy to do when youíre judging your own entries.

5But, as everyone knows, the Xtant Mountains donít really exist.


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Page last modified on October 31, 2008, at 06:07 PM by David Stroh

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