Tumwallering? Well of course I can tell you about that! I am the Tumwallering champion three years running, don’tcha know. Tumwallering is the quickest growing sport in the Five Nations¹.

To start off with you need to go conquer yourself a country, or nation, or at least a small village. Once you have that, the idea of the sport is to make up names for things that adequately describe those things². Whoever is most successful at this, based on unbiased judging by the competition sponsor³, wins.

I know what you’re going to ask. Why do you need to conquer a country to do this? Why can’t you just go out to the local countryside and start naming things? Well the answer is obvious! You can’t go naming things that already have accepted names! You need new places and things to name. And don’t you be worrying about what the locals call things. They always come around in the end. Where do you think the names of the Opeidovinoscope, Gerift Plant, and Phallunx came from? You got it! Tumwallering!

Everyone is still trying to find the Xtant Mountains⁵. Oh the fun we’ll have Tumwallering on a land that size!

¹One man’s opinion, and really, what does he know?

²It is said that many common words, like “sergeant”, originally came from past winners of this sport.

³Grand Duke Henrik the Studly is one of the most popular sponsors of all time, although he often participated in the competition as well and was unanimously⁴ voted the Tumwallering champion for life.

⁴Which is easy to do when you’re judging your own entries.

⁵But, as everyone knows, the Xtant Mountains don’t really exist.

Citations

• Ducal Regiment
• Five Nations
• Gerift Plant
• Obvious Studies
• Opeidovinoscope
• Phallunx
• Xtant Mountains
• Category Events

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