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The Kimbuki Bassoon, more vulgarly known as the Eastern Toot Flute, is an instrument famed for it's ability to produce the sounds of nearly any part of the body1.

Many novices to the instrument tend to focus on it's ability to replicate the sound of over 481 different types of flatulence. It's use as a source of amusement in military camps became legend in the Ducal Regiment.

However, it was the Yack Pack of Multi-Talented Ladies of Leisure? that elevated the Kimbuki Bassoon to its current status as a refined, courtly instrument. The women, originally employing the Kimbuki Bassoons as courtly training surrogates, discovered that certain motions of the lips and tongue could produce the "sound of a virgin's thighs brushing together", and "the sound of a young heart falling in love".

The talented ladies quickly took these two sounds and created one of the greatest ballads ever written, "Zenith of My Love's Tenderness".

Over time, other courtly practitioners perfected other romantic sounds, such as "the sound of tears falling on flushed cheeks", and "the sound of soft lips on an arched neck".

Of course, brothels quickly adopted the instrument as a skill for their employees to learn for the entertainment for their clients.2

It was a court stableboy, reputedly trying to replicate the bray of his master's favorite horse3 who discovered how to produce the "sound of a raven-haired maiden's eyelash flutter".4

Today, the secrets of coaxing new sounds out of the Kimbuki Bassoon are well-guarded, and death squads have been known take away those who steal techniques from highly-placed players.

One Duke paid over 10,000 guilders for the secrets to producing "the sound of a sheaf of golden hair lifting from a pillow in the morning light". He reputedly didn't leave his bedchamber over a year after, so entranced was he with the sound.5

-- Yours in Scholarship, Argus Penwizzle


1 Only Fengak anatomy has thus far eluded sonic replication by the masters of the Kimbuki Bassoon.

2 Of courser, many people believe that the original source of the instrument was such an establishment.

3 For the purpose of convincing said master that the horse hadn't been killed in a bizzare accident in a nearby pond involving a gargoyle and nineteen Ainslough Faeries.

4 Sadly, he was soon after beaten to death by his master, and the sound has never been heard again.

5 Although others believe he spent that year trying to remove the bassoon from his arse after rolling over on it in the night.

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Page last modified on October 24, 2008, at 05:05 PM by DoyceTesterman

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