Main Menu (edit)
The following was created on a Gnomish Talkie Capture Machine(1)(2). I have posted the transcript in its entirety, and annotated as deemed appropriate.
<Audio entry, date unknown>
“So… uh… how’s this thing work again? I just talk into this thingy and it prints the words on the paper?”
<voice in the background> “It’s on now”
<voice in the background> “I said it’s on now! It’s recording!”
“What? Oh, right. Uh… this is, uh, Jengle Witherbody(3), union car…”
<voice in the background> “Don’t use your real name!”
“What? Oh, right! Can we start over?”
<voice in the background> “No! Just keep talking.”
“Right… uh, as I was saying, this is Rambler, union card number 3245… uh, 3… uh…”
“Uh… I can’t seem to find my card. Anyhoo, uh, this is Rambler, and that over there is Sparky.”
<voice in the background> “They can’t see me, just get on with it!”
“Yes, of course. How silly of me. Soooo… I was asked, well, really more like ordered…”
<voice in the background> “Stay on topic.”
“Right, right… I was asked… or ordered… I’m staying on topic, so don’t give me that look!”
“I was ordered to tell all you non-Union scabs what the Weaver’s Union is all about. We are a secret society of”
“We’re NOT a secret society, but we ARE a society, apparently registered with the business bureaus, of weavers dedicated to the torment of all humankind! And dwarfkind too, for that matter! Ok, really any kind with hair.”
<voice in the background> “Ahem!”
“Hey, I’m just saying. Those Midtown Elves, for instance have great hair for weaving… I know, I know, stay on topic. We are dedicated to the torment of… wait, I already said that. So, where was I?”
<crinkling sounds in background and then a voice> “Here, just read this.”
“The Weaver’s Union, #213, is a working organization for weavers to guarantee fair pay, rights, and representation to all employees within the organization. As an organization we help set standards for the weaving of hair into usable fabrics suitable for hairless individuals and animals, and ensure these fabrics are made into quality blankets, scarves, coats, etc for these clients. In addition to member’s dues, much of our funding comes from pita(4) and many influential hairless clients including Fengaks, Tachyderm trainers, and many molerats. Our union motto…”
<voice in the background> “Why’d you stop reading?”
“This doesn’t say anything about our real goals. You know, the torment and distress we bring to those with hair… you know, humans, dwarfs, elves… It doesn’t mention the death squads we send out to forcibly shave our carefully selected victims or the illegal skinning operations we do on the side for extra cash to cover the taxes on the Zombey employees, or…”
<voice in the background getting louder as it approaches> “Are you really this stupid? Those are union trade secrets you Tachyderm’s arse! You’ve just officially recorded all our secrets! Give me that!”
“I was only trying to be accurate!”
“You were only trying to be stupid! Now give me that!”
<end of audio entry>(6)
1Several of these machines were made under special commission of Senior Management. How the Weaver’s Union obtained one is unclear.
2Not to be confused with a Gnomish Walkie Capture Machine, better known as a “cage”.
4It is assumed that the translation was incorrect here and that it should have been translated as PETA (People Engaged To Animals)(5), and not the yummy flatbread made by the Ji’Li Tribesmen.
5Another hypothesis, not as widely accepted, is that this should have been translated as Pete-A, which is the street name of a well-known bookie living in the Governmental Housing district.
6Declassified union records revealed that immediately following this recording Rambler was subsequently beaten, beheaded, and then sent home without pay.