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LEAGUE OF PROFESSONALS SURVEILLANCE AGENT RECORD BEGINS [EDITED FOR SUMMARY PRESENTATION]
(Subjects observed entering a taproom, the Sapient Swill. They enter separately, as though to create the impression of a random meeting.)
Lufton: Braden, old bean, or I'm a Beaker's biohazard waistcoat. I might very well ask you the same?
Polz: Family business, I fear. Old brother Abraham looking to make sure his dearly betrothed isn't cavorting with another man, woman, or legally recognized sentient.
Lufton: Good night, nurse!
Polz: (raising glass) And here's to you, Mister -- Mister Lufton. Long may your Girasol wave.
Lufton: (raising glass, sloshing wine onto Polz' hand as he clinks glasses) I hope to Woldecott you mean my mother, not my trees. Or my trees, not my mother.
Polz: Your mother is, in fact, much like a tree. I know. I had to dance with her.
Lufton: I love my mother. She's -- she's -- motherly. Nothing like a tree.
Polz: Save for the deep tap roots and the mess she leaves when she drops her fruit on the ground.
Lufton: I thought you said something about my mother.
Polz: Her bark is worse than her bite?
Lufton: Her bight is worse than her bay?
Lufton: Girasol? Never touch the stuff.
Polz: I hope to Woldecott you mean your mother, not the drug!
Polz: Wait -- did I mean that the other way around?
Unidentified individual: Might I join you?
Polz: Why, are we falling apart?
Lufton: Pull up a pew, preacher, and buy us a round.
Unidentified Individual: I always bring my own. Pass over your glasses.
Lufton: I feel -- Great Author, I feel -- drunk and sober at the same time.
Polz: It all makes sense now. Life, the universe, everything.
Polz: By Woldecott -- you're -- you;re Woldecott!
Unidentified Individual: My reputation precedes me.
Lufton: My God.
Unidentified Individual: Yes?
Lufton: Dammit, Polz, this is all your fault.
Polz: What, I didn't invite him to sit at our table.
Lufton: I was complete, I'd sailed the world, climbed the mountains, explored the depths --
Polz: Drunk the liquids.
Lufton: -- drunk the liquids. I was content. I was at rest. I was ready to let go, to return to the Uttermost East, to go down to the sea in ships --
Polz: As opposed to in horse-carts.
Lufton: -- and bid farewell to this life, to my family, to my beloved mother, my estranged father, my ambiguously sentimented sister --
Polz: I've heard about that rumor.
Lufton: -- and end it all. And now Woldecott is sitting at our table.
Polz: Could be worse.
Polz: Could be a molerat.
Unidentified Individual: Actually, molerats have quite an animated and impressively pleasant life experience. They know how to party. Taco platters seem to be a key aspect of ...
Lufton: I know how to party! I've dealt with Society Balls --
Polz: I've heard that rumor, too.
Lufton: -- and the Revels of the Yack Pack?. I've climbed the sunniest peaks of the Xtant Mountains and the deepest depths of Sniffleheim. North, south, east, or west, this adventurer's life has been best. And yet ... sitting here, in the presence of the Woldecott --
Unidentified Individual: No definite article needed. Can I top you off?
Lufton: -- I am faced with the utter futility of life and the final despair of existence.
Polz: He gets this way when he's -- (Makes a drinking gesture.)
Lufton: My life is over.
Unidentified Individual: Does that mean you're not going to finish your drink?
Polz: I will.
Lufton: I am ... ended.
(Subject Lufton has climbed up to the top of the Unlikely Tower.)
Lufton: Good-bye, cruel world.
Unidentified Individual: No need to be a drama queen abut it. Care for a snort?
Unidentified Individual: Some people just can't hold their liquor.
Polz: (Stepping out of shadows) I can.
Unidentified Individual: Actually, I'm more interested in that guy over ... there.
(Unidentified individual is looking at surveillaince agent.)
SURVEILLANCE AGENT RECORD ENDS. RECORD DEPOSITED AT COORDINATED DROP POINT ALEPH-3. CURRENT WHEREABOUTS OF SURVEILLANCE AGENT UNKNOWN.